Here’s The Situation…
“That’s not how a proper lady behaves.”
“Big boys don’t cry,”
“We are all born into sin.”
“What will the neighbors say?”
And on and on it goes.
In my book, ‘The Human Experience: The Four Armies of the Earth’, my first foray into self-publishing, I ask the reader to look at their lives from a different perspective. The perspective of an archeologist or biologist. In other words, someone who needs to view their current environment as someone from another planet might. Before we continue to talk, I thought it might be best if I began to explain where it is that I’m coming from. So, let’s begin with how I view the world. This requires a bit of imagination, but trust me for a minute. And, just so that we’re clear, I’m sharing and discussing. If you’re not sure what that means, here’s a link to a different post which explains it.
Now.
Imagine:
You were born to an incredibly large group of life-forms which we will call people. This group of people, who most likely had an idea about whom you were supposed to be even before you were born. This was in accordance with their own view points, their limited historical knowledge, their religion, even the color of their fur…I mean skin. Note that I didn’t say who you were meant to be, or even who you needed to be in order to be happy, I said that you were born into a very large group of people who decided who they thought you were supposed to be. Before. you. were. born.
After you were born, they began to program you according to those beliefs. Understand, most of them didn’t do this out of malice, although, a surprising number have done so, either to their own offspring, or to the offspring of others, they did it because they were also programmed.
Ever heard “That’s not lady-like?”, or ” A real man would…”fill in the blank here. Because I heard all of those for most of my life. Except that I had the gift of having a death experience when I was four. After a traumatic injury, during which I left my body and journeyed…elsewhere. During which, I was given a view of the world that, although I didn’t know it at the time, no one else in my life-path had received.
A unique view.
At this point most people who’ve never heard this are interested in the death experience, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about the view, and the question.
You may not have had a death experience, or been told what your purpose was as a toddler, but you definitely have a point of view. When is the last time you thought about that?
When was the last time you asked yourself where, exactly where, that view comes from, and do you agree with it? I have clients, both corporate and now in my own coaching business, who tell little anecdotes about their mothers or Fathers, grandparents and caretakers. You know, the stories that end with the teller laughing, and either implying or saying out right, how they will NEVER be like that person. Some actually deliver on that promise to themselves. Most don’t. Or, it turns into Benjamin Franklin’s list of Virtues, Benjamin Franklin 13 Virtues, in which you end up in a constant loop of striving to change. Of the two, I’m in the Franklin camp.
The point here is not to challenge your beliefs, not yet at least. The first thing, for me at least, was to note just where those beliefs originated.
So back to the point.
Your view of the world is a mash-up of genetics and inherent personality. According to a recent study, Personality Set for Life by 1st Grade, you were demonstrably who you would remain for the rest of your life by the time you were in 1st grade. That means that the people who were around you, the people who ‘grew’ you, had already indoctrinated you into their beliefs. If they had not done so, you most likely would challenge them for the rest of your relationship.
If you were raised by someone who always looked on the dark side of life, a part of the reason that you became what you’ve become is because of them. Or in spite of them. There is no reason for blame here, it’s simply a fact.
As I am endeavoring to coach my own protocols for living, I would like to simply ask you to ask yourself this question:
The people who programmed you, the people you reach out to for advice…are they happy?
Think about this for a minute. You received your view because of, or in spite of these people. If you have listened to them your entire life, acted the way they told you you were expected to act, dated the people whom they told you you were supposed to date, lived the way they told you to live, are they happy?
Not with your life, but with their own.
I had a client, we’ll call her Annie, whose mother called her every day, and nearly every day she got off of the phone either in or near tears. On the other days she was morose, bitter, and looking for a target. When we talked about her own personal protocols, we discovered that all of the ones she currently had in place were ‘bequeathed’ to her. Like property.
“A good girl doesn’t do things that her mother has decided God wouldn’t like.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
“A good girl would’ve found a husband in college instead of a career, which is why you’re lonely.”
“You’re just lucky you didn’t marry someone like your father. He’s an idiot.”
“A good girl doesn’t talk back to her mother.”
“How do you think I feel when I hear that your cousin is pregnant with her third child, and all you have is a dog.”
I’m paraphrasing here, but not by much.
Time for a new protocol, but only if Annie wanted it. The same is true for us all. If you want to live in happy, you have to make choices that make you happy. The first thing we did was ask questions. What follows are some of Annie’s answers.
Q. “Do you actually like the attention that you get from your mom? After all, many people don’t get to speak with their mothers at all, let alone every day.
A. “No, in fact I wake up dreading that first phone call of the day, because it’s just her complaining about my dad or my brother. My brother won’t even pick up the phone when she calls anymore.”
Q. So, you dread that first call, the reasons are your own, just as your brothers’ reasons are his own. What’s the first protocol you put into place for your life?
A. “Don’t compare hells.”
Q. “Right, that includes, in this instance, using your brothers’ actions to rationalize your own. What do you need in order to be happy in this instance?”
A. “I don’t know, I just want her to stop sometimes.”
Q. “And yet, you can’t control what she does. What can you control?”
A. “Omfg. Stop. I can only control myself.”
Q. ” And do you call your mom?”
A. “Well, when I don’t she loses her mind.”
Q. “Not your problem. Same question. What do you need to be happy in this instance? Say it out loud please.”
A. “…a break.”
So take one.
Now, I could continue to go on with this but I would rather tell you Protocol Number 2, and then ask you a question.
Protocol Number 2 – ‘Don’t take advice about being happy from someone who isn’t happy.’
Now the question for you:
What are your protocols?
