Here’s the Situation

I like buffalo wings.

“I mean, she just doesn’t make me happy anymore y’know?” my friend, (I’ll call him ‘Ian), said as we sat in a restaurant eating them.

Never knowing how much the person wants me to do at this point in the conversation, I didn’t know how much to say. So, I reverted to the next rule: ask a question.

Yes, I have rules for every conversation. We’ll get into that in a later blog.

(I also think that it’s weird when people don’t have rules for every conversation.)

“What did she do that made you happy before now?” I asked slowly. I tried to make eye-contact as I asked, because I’ve found that people will reveal their real intentions in their next sentence if I did it just right. Even after all of these years, the combination of Asperger’s and being beaten as a child for either ‘eyeballing’ or ‘rolling my eyes’ had birthed the need to not look directly at people when speaking. The ‘just right’ part being learning how much eye-contact was just right. It changed with different generations and then within sub-sections. When I gave too much eye-contact, people would begin to feel uncomfortable almost immediately. When I’ve been able to ask them why, nearly all of them stated that it was like being under a microscope. And if it was too little, they would usually unconsciously begin to move closer, or touch me. Neither of those are ideal.

So, given that Ian is a Millennial, high-end of that spectrum, I decided to give him the standard 3-5 seconds of eye contact. For many Millennials, any more than that is considered staring at best, bullying at worst. The older the person, the greater the eye-contact is the rule for most conversations. Except of people currently in their early 50’s down to younger 40’s. They’re GenX, they’ll just make it competitive, and keep staring back.

“Uhm…” Ian began, as I noted that he shifted his eyes trying to make the emotional contact with me that would make it okay for him to share. “I…mean…I don’t know how much I can get into it right here, but…”

I smiled slightly, to let him know that it was safe to continue. Meaning I felt safe that I now knew which kind of conversation I was committing to. Again, it’s important to have rules.

“…we used to laugh all the time, have sex all the time, just…y’know, have FUN together.” Ian began to trail off as the waitress walked by, lowering his voice to a near inaudible whisper, before finally whispering; “And I don’t just mean sex. Well, sex too *nervous laughter* but not just sex.”

“Let me be certain. Your answer to what did your wife do to make you happy is ‘not just sex’? I confirmed.

This has to be said just so, otherwise people will think I’m judging them. I not. I am just trying to be certain that they mean what they’ve said. They usually just need a moment to think it through.

“NO! No, no, I’m just saying that she’s…like always in a bad mood. I mean remember when I dated that girl Tisha back in college? She was always all over me man! She loved just hanging out while I played video games, and when we went out drinking, she was right there with me. THIS is the first time I’ve been out in like a month!”

It went on like that for quit a while, with me nodding, and occasionally asking questions. If you’ve been in this conversation, on either side, you can guess the rest.

I’ll cut to the chase.

If you are the person who is unhappy, while you compare your current life to any other time or any other person’s life, you’re in the wrong head-space.

It is NOT your partners job to make you happy. Just as it is NOT your job to make your partner happy.

Can you help with their happy? ABSOLUTLY.

Imagine walking up to someone that you barely know, and saying: “I think you need to figure out what makes me happy. I would help, but I’m busy. GO.”

It’s insane.

Especially when you consider that if you ask that person what makes them happy, they will usually fall into one of three conversations:

1.       “My Parents were…” finish that for yourself.

2.       “My last girlfriend/boyfriend/crush/or movie character…”

3.       “I just want someone who treats me like they love me…”

None of these are actual answers.

These answers are the same as telling someone your name. They are answers that were given to you, not thought about.

And they aren’t fair to your partner, or yourself.

Think of it this way:

There are, at the time of this being written, 7.98 billion people on the planet.

(I’m not discounting hidden civilizations of Lizard People, or other worldly entities, but they are much harder to date, and so not salient to our current point)

Each of those people, came from two other people. Each of those people came from two different people, etc.

Ever heard of cloning? There is a theory, very popular in many sci-fi works, that after a time, genetic drifting will occur. That is, that after a time, using the same cells to produce copies will eventually produce unviable results.

In other words, after a time the end result will not be the same as the original.

This is true of relationships.

The truth is every relationship you see around you is an original. Like an original cell used for cloning. Whether you loved the relationship your parents had, or vowed to “NEVER be like them”. It’s all the same.

As soon as you begin a new relationship, it’s an original. You cannot clone your parents’ relationships no matter how many benchmarks you may see, because you are different and the person with whom you’re attempting the relationship is as well.

I didn’t let any of these facts get in the way of the current conversation.

Over the next half an hour, Ian continued to tell me about his current arrangement, ending with “I’m thinking about leaving her.”

When he didn’t follow up for several seconds, I looked at him again, (five full seconds this time, for emphasis), “I get that. What does she say when you share all of this? Have you written any of it down so that you can share it the way you want or did you just wing it?”

Silence.

No.

Shocked silence.

“Man, you just don’t get it! Why would I tell her this stuff? You think I’m crazy?!?” He erupted.

“Ian, remember when that short girl with the black hair cheated on you? “

If there is a picture of dismay, Ian was attempting to bring it to life.

“What are you talking about…why are you bringing Lisa into…what are you bringing that up for!?!” He asked not waiting for him to point out that he didn’t really want an answer, I answered:

“You were so hurt because she told you that it wasn’t the sex, and it wasn’t money, it was because she felt as if you didn’t communicate with her. You didn’t share with her. Putting aside the fact that as men, we are told how we are weak nearly every time we communicate our feelings. Putting aside the fact that while some girls spend their teenage years thinking about their wedding day, (admittedly this is a bit of a stereotype, but it was one which suited the conversation without adding to the stereotype itself), while a lot of guys, secretly dream about the actual marriage itself, and being able to live with someone who will give them the love, both physical and mental, that they feel they’ve never received.”

Again, I paused to make certain that his growing outrage at this new line of communication didn’t interfere with our current path. Thoughtful silence.

“Did you think that someone that was born in a different body, someone, whom, until relatively recently, you’d never met, could somehow fill that role without you stating that that is what a loving relationship looks like to you?”

People sometimes make a strange movement with their heads. It’s like a small invisible fist has just grazed them, (invisible fists almost never outright punch), making the person sort of flinch their heads backwards an inch or two while they blink a lot.

Ian did that.

So I continued to ask my question: “If all of those things are true, and you still remember how betrayed and hurt you felt when Lisa left you without giving you the chance to fix the problem,”

This last part is only partially true. Lisa had given Ian a chance to fix the issue, she had simply never told Ian that he was on what I believe is the most popular game-show in the world ‘Secret Trial! The game-show where you are always on trial, never know what the charges are, and the jury is always ready to convict you based on the last person they tried! And where the fabulous prize of a different version of this game will be played until you actually talk to each other honestly! Now, Shut-up, Suit up, and let’s Play!’